warning: animal pain
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okay here's the story
I don’t think I’m going to go anywhere this weekend. I’ve gotten a few invites to go various places, but I’m just not really feeling up to it. Plus, I don’t want to bother my parents by asking for a ride.
When I was downstairs earlier, I noticed that Indy (one of my family’s two dogs) has a bit of a bump on her side. Like a thick, upraised mole. It feels weird to pet, but I think it’s fine.
We have two dogs. Indy is our youngest dog, a Cockapoo (that’s a mix of a Poodle and a Cocker Spaniel), and Sully, who is also a Cockapoo. Sully didn’t take too well to Indy when we first got her, but they’ve got along pretty well since Indy chilled out a bit. Now, they’re pretty good friends.
Oh, also, I ate a really good bagel earlier. I don’t know why it was so good. I put the same cream cheese on it as always. Maybe it just hit the spot.
The last week hasn’t been that interesting. I wish I could drive, so I could choose when and where to go places.
Indy’s growth has gotten much bigger since the last time I checked. It’s visible past her fur now. I don’t know much about dog care, so I’m just trying not to irritate it. Hopefully it’ll just go back down, like acne!
I think I’m going to sleep in tomorrow. I don’t do that often. But I always enjoy it!
Indy’s growth is still, y’know, growing. My dad says it’s some sort of tumor, a “benign” one, which means I shouldn’t worry, but it’s bigger than any coin I can put up to it. I remember one of our old dogs got a small tumor, but it didn’t progress this fast. My dad says as long as it doesn’t spread throughout her body to other areas (which it shouldn’t, because it’s a benign tumor) then it should be fine. I think it will be fine.
I think I’m going to get a watercolor set. Don’t forget this, future me.
Indy’s tumor is looking weird now. It looks like it has some liquid in it, like the pus that comes out when you squeeze acne. It’s also to the point where it’s hard to pet her on that one side of her body. It doesn’t seem to hurt her when I do accidentally touch it, but I just prefer not to. Again, I don’t want to irritate it.
The leaves are all gone already. That’s strange.
I forgot to update this in a while, sorry. But Indy’s tumor is just growing in one direction. Like, it’s going outwards, lengthening but not widening. I measured its width to be about 6 inches (which seems big) and its length to be 13 inches. I’m worried for her, but she really seems fine. She doesn’t even get upset when it accidentally hits against something.
I keep asking my parents if we should take her to the vet, but they keep saying we can’t. I ask them why; they say we don’t have the money right now. I ask them if we will; they say no. Why couldn’t they have just told me we can’t afford it at the start of my questioning?
Indy’s tumor just touched the ground for the first time. I feel really bad for her. She honestly seems to not care, but I do. It has to be heavy. I would weigh it, but I can’t remember how much she weighed before it started growing.
I brought up the vet again, and I got the same response. Which makes me sad. I feel like a vet could just cut this thing out.
Sully doesn’t come around Indy as much anymore.
I don’t understand why it just keeps getting longer. I don’t think they’re supposed to work like that. I keep feeling like I’m gonna trip over it, because it kinda drags on the ground now.
My parents said it might start recessing soon. Like, going back. I asked one of my teachers, and they disagreed, but I don’t know who’s right. I hope my parents are right, but I have a feeling it’s just an excuse to not have to take her to the vet.
I’ve made a few offers to my parents about vet money. Things I could do for neighbors, ways we could save money, but they repeatedly say that the vet would be too expensive. However, to placate me, they put a jar with “Indy” taped to the front of it on the kitchen counter. I wish I could drive, so I could get a job, and save up money to help Indy.
I think some of my suggestions for vet money could really work. Some things we could save, some things we could cut back on. I know we don’t have a ton of money, but surely there’s something we can do. There’s always a way to make things better. Everything is in God’s plan, and I know he wouldn’t just do this for nothing. I’ve tried to save money in the little ways I can, but it’s not really my choice how the house spends money.
I don’t want to talk about how Indy’s tumor looks.
Indy’s tumor is several feet long now. No one wants to get near her. I try to pet her, and she really appreciates it, but I always feel like I want to throw up. It really is that nasty.
I want to get out of the house more.
Sully seems sad.
We’ve had to add a new chore to the daily chore wheel to “pick up Indy’s tumor” because it’s so long it gets hung on things. I’m the only person in the house who doesn’t wear gloves while doing it, but it’s kinda just to prove a point; I want to wear gloves while doing it.
The vet money jar has a bit more money in it, but not near enough. My parents say removing the tumor could take thousands of dollars at a real veterinarian. I don’t see how we could ever get that in such a little jar.
I would try to cut it myself, but I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to do it safely. Also, I don’t even know whether to cut it off or to try to pop it. If I did pop it, where would all the pus go? Would Indy be hurt? I don’t think so, because she doesn’t seem too annoyed by it (except when it gets caught on things), but I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to hurt her.
I haven’t seen Sully around much recently. He mainly hides in the basement and sleeps a lot. He was very lively for an older dog before Indy got her tumor, so it makes me sad.
I managed to hold my breath long enough to pet Indy for a while today. She seemed so happy; her tongue flopped out in joy. I don’t understand how she can be happy throughout this.
No one wants to even talk about Indy’s tumor anymore. But I do. It’s gotten past 5 feet long now, and she can barely walk. I feel awful for her. I bring her food and water every morning, and with some blankets, take her outside to go to the bathroom. It’s really hard. It’s heavy and I don’t see how her body even sustains it. Maybe she eats too much and that’s why it keeps growing. My parents say that might be the case. Maybe we should give her less food, they say. But I won’t do that. Because then she might die. I don’t want that to happen, I want her to get better.
I can’t pick Indy up to take her outside anymore. I put her a pad to pee on. She can walk some, but not far enough to get outside, and it takes a lot of energy. She’s eating a lot more food than she did even when she was a puppy.
It’s eight feet long now. Indy herself is less than two feet long. However, it’s still not very wide. I guess you could say it’s snaking. Yeah, that sounds right.
It really stinks.
My parents are acting like it’s all fine, but I heard them talking about Indy last night. They’re trying to think of ways to euthanize her at home. They think if they take her to a vet now, they could get in big trouble for not doing it sooner, but I think that’s the only way she could get better. My dad said something about how his dad would put dogs down with a gun, but my family doesn’t have one. I think he also knows that would really upset me.
Sully basically stays in the basement all the time now. I also bring him food and water, like I do for Indy. It’s uncomfortable how much more she eats than him.
I really wish I could get out more. I go to school, but I don’t do much outside of that. I need extracurriculars or something. It stinks at home and I spend all my time at home caring for Indy.
The vet jar is 4% of the way to its goal.
Indy, the… sorry I’ll write about it tomorrow
Yesterday morning, I went to go give Indy her food and water, and found the tumor wrapped around her neck. She had been dead for a while.
I think she must have rolled around in her sleep, or something, and then just couldn’t breathe. The tumor looked like one of those boa constrictors. My parents have locked the door to the laundry room (the room she was in) and won’t let me go in. I don’t know what they’re going to do with her body. I know they haven’t removed it yet, because I can still smell it.
I don’t know how to tell Sully. I can’t show him, but I also can’t tell him with words. I wish he could understand me. I think he’d understand more than my parents ever could.
Somehow, Indy’s body is gone, and with it, the tumor. My parents refuse to talk about it. They don’t even mention her name anymore. My guess is they threw her on the back of the truck using the blankets I used to carry her outside with, because those blankets are now gone. The smell is still kinda there though.
I wish she was still here, I really liked her and she made me happy. Now she’s gone and Sully doesn’t even like to be around people anymore and I don’t want to be in this house at all.
My parents think it’d be best for me to move on. So I don’t see any reason to write in this anymore.